


And they were tied together

by Ledgea



Series: And they were tied together [1]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Banter, Crack, Curses, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:00:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26636254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ledgea/pseuds/Ledgea
Summary: Eskel hears Lambert well before he sees him. He shakes his head and begins to despair because he's already ranting and hasn't even arrived to the keep yet. He wipes his hands on his shirt, pinches the bridge of his nose and leaves the wall he's patching to head to the gates. He leans against the walls there and shamelessly eavesdrops. Maybe he'll learn something useful.“You're so slow,” Lambert is saying, “Hurry up, will you ? Hot springs and the massage you fucking owe me are waiting !”“I owe you fuck all,” another male voice answers and curses, “Will you fucking stop doing that ? I swear, I'll push your horse down the moutainside !”Or Lambert and Aiden are cursed and can't walk away from each other and they're already slightly tired of it.Just a silly funny one-shot I couldn't get out of my head.
Relationships: Aiden/Lambert (The Witcher), Eskel & Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Lambert & Vesemir
Series: And they were tied together [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2004307
Comments: 15
Kudos: 165





	And they were tied together

**Author's Note:**

> Another silly piece that I hope you'll enjoy !

Eskel hears Lambert well before he sees him. He shakes his head and begins to despair because he's already _ranting_ and hasn't even arrived into the keep yet. He wipes his hands on his shirt, pinches the bridge of his nose and leaves the wall he's patching to head to the gates. He leans against the walls there and shamelessly eavesdrops. Maybe he'll learn something useful.

“You're so slow,” Lambert is saying, “Hurry up, will you ? Hot springs and the massage you fucking _owe_ me are waiting !”

“I owe you fuck all,” another male voice answers and curses, “Will you fucking stop doing that ? I swear, I'll push your horse down the moutainside !”

Eskel leans away from the wall to peer down the path and wonders who Lambert brought with him. He's never brought any guests before and Eskel's curiosity is piqued. Unfortunately he can't see anything yet. He settles back against the wall and lets out a sharp whistle that he hopes Geralt and Vesemir will understand means that something interesting is happening and that they should come see what it is.

“Like you swore that that contract would be a _cakewalk_ and ended up being a nightmare.”

“If you had just kept your mouth _shut_!”

“Or like you swore that there wasn't more than seven drowners that one time in Gelibol.”

“Seven, seventeen, almost the same thing.”

“Or like when you _swore up and down_ that you wouldn't try to flirt with the crazy succubus and, oh wait, you fucking did !”

“I already told you, we don't talk about the succubus !”

“You decided it, I never agreed to it.”

“Fuck you !”

“Aiden, what are you doing ? No, let go of that ! AIDEN !”

“Oups. So sorry, it slipped from my hands.”

“You son of a diseased one-legged swamp whore ! That was my cactus !”

“And now it's your unfortunately deceased cactus. NO ! Don't you dare touch my snails !”

Eskel then hears the sound of a scuffle and some more curses and he rolls his eyes. _Why did Lambert bring someone he clearly doesn't get along with_? Before he can ponder further on the question, Geralt and Vesemir come trotting and Eskel shushes them before they can talk and points towards the path leading up to Kaer Morhen.

“Lambert ?”, Geralt silently mouths at him and Eskel nods.

“And guest,” he mouths back.

Vesemir groans and massages his temples and Eskel exchanges a smirk with Geralt. His brother and mentor settle against the wall too and they all decide to wait for Lambert and his... whatever to arrive. The scuffle comes to an end after a few minutes and they hear Lambert's voice again.

“You know you should just let me throw these snails away.”

“Not even in your dreams. I'll cook them in the Toussainti fashion tomorrow and if you think that I'll share them with you, then you've got another thing coming.”

“Like I even would want to eat _snails_. It's disgusting.”

“It's a delicacy, you uncultured swine.”

“A delicacy like that pig intestine sausage that got you bending over the chamberpot all night ?”

“It's called andouillette, moron.”

“Still made you puke your guts out. I'm not holding your hair for you if you end up throwing up again. I might even push you out of the window because of the damn smell.”

“Hey, do you think... ?”

“Stop right there,” Lambert moans, “You're going to have an awful idea, I can feel it !”

Eskel, Geralt and Vesemir all snort at that. But if Lambert, the expert in awful ideas, thinks that his companion's idea is going to be terrible, then Eskel just wants to know what it is.

“Shut up, mister let's-tie-a-bomb-to-a-crossbow-bolt-and-see-what-it-does-against-a-griffin.”

“Shut up, yourself,” Lambert mutters back petulantly, “It was a good idea.”

“My back still hates you for that stunt. Anyway do you think that the curse would stop your fall if I pushed you down the mountain and I'd stay on the path ?”

There are a few seconds of silence and Eskel's a little bit alarmed now. He hopes that this curse they're talking about isn't something too horrible or dangerous. Probably not, he muses, they wouldn't be as carefree otherwise.

“I'm not jumping to satisfy your unhealthy curiosity,” Lambert states, “But I might be persuaded to throw _you_ off if you're that desperate to know.”

“On second thoughts I don't really need to know.”

“Good answer. We probably would both plummet to our deaths anyway.”

“Like your cactus. Oh, that hurt, asshole !”

“You're a nightmare ! I don't know why I put up with you !”

“Don't walk so fast ! And because we're stuck together ? Come on, don't sulk ! What did you even want to do with the cactus ? It was half-dead !”

Eskel has to strain his ears to hear Lambert's answer and snickers quietly next to a smirking Geralt.

“It was supposed to be a gift. For Vesemir. So that he wouldn't forget about his prickly mentee during the summer months when I'm away.”

A few seconds pass in blessed silence.

“I don't think that anyone who has met you ever forgot you.”

“I feel like this is supposed to be an insult.”

“Take it however you want. Anyway I'm sure that that butcher you punched in the face a month ago remembers you very clearly.”

“He had it coming.”

“For once, I totally agree with you. Oh, is that thing, ruin – how do you call it exactly ? - your famed castle ?”

“Not a ruin,” Lambert grunts, “We're working on it and yes, this is Kaer Morhen.”

“Oh, finally,” Lambert's friend's sighs, relieved, “My feet are killing me. You can massage them tonight. And tomorrow and the day after that.”

“Fuck off, I'm not touching your stinky appendages.”

“Oh, appendages, fancy. Did you pick up another thesaurus while I had my back turned ?”

Eskel and Geralt are quietly laughing by now and even Vesemir is smiling and shaking his head fondly as the two men finally appear on the path leading to the gates.

“ _Fuck. Off,_ ” Lambert snarls and then adds, “What happened to the last one anyway ?”

“I used it to knock out some guards who came to break up a brawl I had absolutely nothing to do with. Your thesaurus was surprisingly practical.”

“And where is it _now_?”

“You always ask the worst questions,” the man whines, “I don't know. It's probably ashes by now ? Or used as a door wedge ? I mean who even reads a thesaurus for fun ?”

“Me.”

“Yes, and you're weird.”

“Says the man eating disgusting Toussainti food.”

“Again, it's not disgusting. We should talk about your tomato jam instead.”

“Oh, don't go there !”

“I'll go there if I want to go there, Lambert ! It's just so horrible, I can't understand why you insist on buying it !”

“I'm not listening to you. Your eat lemon jam. LEMON ! It's overpriced as fuck and doesn't even taste good. It's acid for fuck's sake. Acid !”

“It's still better than _tomatoes_ ,” the man says and shrugs.

Lambert, his guest and their two horses stop in their tracks right in front of them and Eskel greets them with a smirk and a little wave of his hand. Geralt just watches them with a smile on his lips and an amused expression on his face. Vesemir manages to turn his smile into a frown in a few seconds and starts to glare. Eskel rolls his eyes.

Now that they're right in front of them, Eskel can see that the other man is a witcher. There's no medallion displayed on his chest, but he possesses the same eyes as them. He's got a faint scar on the right cheek and another one on his forehead. He's almost entirely covered in clothes and furs, with only his face sticking out, and Eskel spots Lambert's favorite blanket around his shoulders.

“Lambert,” their mentor greets their brother.

“Family meet Aiden. Aiden meet family, moron, idiot and jackass,” Lambert says and points at Geralt, Vesemir and Eskel in turns.

“We missed you too, prick,” Eskel retorts.

“Lambert,” Vesemir growls.

“What ? Fine, Aiden meet Geralt, Vesemir and Eskel. There, happy ?”

“Lambert,” Vesemir now snarls.

“Is he stuck ?”, Aiden asks, “Quick, give him your thesaurus !”

“I don't have a thesaurus anymore, asshole.”

“I thought that you bought another one.”

“Well I didn't. But I have the first volume of a nilfgaardian encyclopedia in my saddlebags.”

Silence reigns for a few seconds again.

“Are you kidding me ?”, Aiden roars, “You said that I couldn't take the frogs and the snails up the moutain, but you lug an encyclopedia around !”

“One volume !”

“What are you even using it for ?”

Lambert mumbles something incomprehensible under his breath and Eskel snorts, he feels like it's going to be good.

“What ?”, Aiden asks sharply again.

“I'm making an herbarium,” Lambert mutters defiantly back.

“Why ?”, Aiden shrieks, “It' completely useless !”

“Because I happen to like it. And you're not throwing it out.”

“It's not coming back down with us in spring either !”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“Lambert,” Vesemir tries again and Eskel clears his throat and takes pity on his mentor.

“What Vesemir wants to know is why you brought your friend, Lambert,” Eskel asks calmly.

“We're stuck together,” Lambert answers.

“Stuck ?”, Geralt grunts.

“Fuck's sake,” Lambert curses and rolls his eyes, “Just watch.”

Lambert then takes a step forward, another one and another one and when he's ten feet away, Aiden violently lurches forward. He curses too, takes a step back and this time Lambert lurches backwards.

“Oh, it's a proximity curse,” Eskel realizes.

“It's a damn pain in the ass is what it is,” Lambert grouches as he comes back, “Hence Aiden's presence.”

“Will it wear off on its own ?”, Eskel asks.

“Yeah, we asked another sorceress. She said five months and it's already been two.”

“And we're making progress,” Aiden adds, “In the beginning our arms were literally glued together.”

“That's nice ?”, Eskel says.

“Sure is,” Aiden agrees.

“Who did you piss off to get cursed ?”, Geralt then asks.

“A sorceress we played bodyguards for for a few weeks,” Aiden answers, “And nothing would have happened if Lambert would just have kept his mouth shut !”

“You found us the damn contract ! It's your fault !”

“ _I_ didn't say that our client was a cow ! And a blind old hag. And a worthless piece of shit.”

“She had it coming !”

“Just because she didn't see that other sorcerer aiming for her throat doesn't mean that she was incompetent.”

“You almost got stabbed !”

“And you got to stab two sorcerers !”, Aiden retorts and then yelps as he's tugged forward when Lambert decides to head to the stables, “Stop doing that ! I swear I'll start walking around when you're taking a shit. We'll see who will be the one laughing then !”

“Just try it,” Lambert snarls back, and if Eskel were in Aiden's place, he really wouldn't try it, knowing Lambert he would probably end up with shit in his hair, “And I was paid to guard her, not to get involved into a mages' petty quarrel.”

“But you like stabbing sorcerers ! And got paid for it. Handsomely too,” Aiden points out.

“Yeah, but I didn't get paid to get cursed.”

“Nobody's getting paid to get cursed, moron,” Aiden sighs as the two of them disappear into the stables.

“You know,” Eskel comments, “I can think of at least a hundred funny things to try on Lambert and Aiden while they're cursed.”

“Oh, yes,” Geralt agrees with a mean smirk, “We're going to have so much fun.”

“No injuries,” Vesemir intervenes and then amends, “No severe injuries.”

“What do you mean by severe exactly ?”, Geralt asks with a shit-eating grin, “Can we throw them down some stairs ?”

“Stop playing at being an asshole, you're not stupid,” Vesemir sighs and points out, “And you know exactly where the limits are. I might be interested in seeing you lock Aiden up in a room though. Lambert stays on the other side of the door and then you slowly move Aiden away from said door.”

“Vesemir, you have the best ideas,” Eskel beams at his mentor as Geralt bursts out laughing.


End file.
